Some people have no problems when it comes to drinking or drugging. I’m not one of those people. And a look at the span of my life will only galvanize that statement. Almost every great turn in my life has been razed by my choices to get high.
I think it was anxiety, a sense of alienation that led me to peer pressure. I gravitated to seedy company, the outcast kids. This is where I felt a sense of belonging. It is also where I found marijuana. At 12 years old I began smoking pot, and by 14-15 it was a regular thing. By 17 it was drinking, cocaine, LSD and anything else that I could get a hold of. The thing was I didn’t see a problem, and all I wanted was more. 2 years later I became a full-blown cocaine (crack) and meth addict, not to mention an alcoholic. And year after year it all got worse and worse.
The reason I skipped a lot of those details was because we’ve all heard the story. It’s not important what I used and abused, but why. You see, when a person doesn’t feel right, or doesn’t feel whole, they try and substitute and fill the holes externally. And that was my case. As I said before, I feel that I’ve always had some inner problems. For instance, my parents divorced when I was young. I think I’ve always been deeply affected by this. But when you’re a child you don’t know what compels you to do what you do, or feel how you feel. Heck, most adults I know don’t know what makes them tick. But it’s these things that affect us, these things we don’t know how to deal with, that become the platform for something as perplexing and damaging. At least that’s what I’ve found to be the truth.
So, like many people, I looked to fix something internal. It began with appeasing behavior, or trying to fit in. And when that didn’t work I tried drugs… When I say drugs, I include alcohol, because alcohol is one of, if not the worst, drug of all. Using drugs became a habit, then a lifestyle. And the thing was that I never saw further away than the pipe or drink in my hand to realize that I was developing quite a problem. Slowly I started to see things go wrong in my life, and the first things affected were my interactions with other people, my relationships.
Drugs became my problem when they became more important than everything else in my life. Getting high was my first priority, and my girlfriends started figuring that out and leaving me. Then it was friends, then family members, co-workers, employers, you name it. Yeah, my using drugs became more important than work. How was I paying for my drugs with no employment? Selling, scamming, stealing… However I could get my high. And this meant that my morals were no longer significant in my life. I became who I despised- a liar, a thief, a worthless shell of a man.
Now psychologically really kicked in, because not only was I hurting others I was hurting myself, so now I’m damaging my life and hating myself for it. That is like a double dose of bad. When you start hating yourself you use and abuse more drugs. It’s like the worse, treating myself worse, and it all builds up to self-loathing. That’s when I started suicide attempts. A man must really hate his life and himself if he doesn’t want to live. And that’s what drugs did to me.
Unfortunately I did not clear up any of my problems until I ended up in prison. I have now done 10 years behind bars, and I owe that to my addiction. I know that everyone who does drugs doesn’t end up like me, some have no problems and some have worse. I’m just telling you what happened to me. Maybe you can see yourself in my footsteps soon enough to say, “Hey I need to change the way I’m living.” Then you don’t have to live locked up in a cage.
Life is too valuable to waste. If you think you have a problem, don’t keep it a secret. Let someone know, live your life to the fullest. And you can’t do that running around with a needle in your arm, or a pipe in your hand.