“Into the Depth of my Despair”
By: Michael Wayne LaDeaux
My story begins with my mother, whom my father is to blame for her overdose. His departure is her reason for her attempt and failed overdose. Through this very unfortunate event I was discovered. I’m her 1st and only child. My father did not believe I was his, so he left her on her own. I was born on Feb. 8th, 1984.At the time my tribe Rosebud did not have a hospital, so I was flown to Yankton, S.D.
My environment as a youth consisted of physical and mental abuse My mother raised me on her own with little support from my grandma and other relatives.. My mother had her own demons, especially on alcohol. She would bite me on the face for looking like my real father, punch and kick me, make me stay up and listen to music with her while she drank. I went through many unfortunate events pertaining to abuse. We also lived on the streets, hitchhiked from one place to the next.
To a certain extent I have empathy for her. We had many hard times but always seemed to manage. Then came an individual who I would consider, and to this day still call my father, Fred Davis, Jr. I was blessed with the best of company in Fred. They got married on Feb. 2nd, in Sioux City Iowa. I was thankful to finally be able to experience family life. My mother was acting like a mother, and I had the best step farther ever. But once again history would repeat itself, more unfortunate events.
Alcohol was the major problem and down fall in their relationship. They would fight, argue, and cheat on each other. Guns were big in my house used on humans, not animals. Make a long story short my father Fred shot up my mothers, brother, emptied a clip on her outside our apartment in Sioux City Iowa. We both thought she was hit when she dropped but she was just playing dead. I was placed in and out of foster homes, usually until one of them got out of jail. Eventually they went their separate ways, got a divorce, Fred and me still have a solid bond. To me, he is my real father in this life and into the next.
Between 9 and 13 years old my childish ways met there demise, I was arrested and charged for “aggravated assault, home evasion, burglary, C.H.I.N.S., runaway and kidnapping. “ My association with the “ Santana Bocc Crips “ and “West Side Locos” didn’t help my situation. I was a foolish follower, and gullible to belief systems that were non-beneficial to me. I was sentenced to the “Department of Corrections” until (21 years) old, and sent to the “State Training School in Plankinton, South Dakota.”
I was to remain incarcerated there until a juvenile prison was built or until I was fully rehabilitated. Rehabilitation never came my way for many more years to come. Family at this point kept a great distance from me. I was officially the black sheep, an outcast. So instead of bettering myself, I because and embraced becoming a product of my environment. I no longer wanted to simply be associated with any particular group. And considering I’m not from the west coast, it only made sense to join the “Insane Gangsters,” better known as “Insane Mafia-South.” Within this group of individuals I replaced my real-family. I no longer looked to my family for support.
I now invested my time in the intelligence and insight of “Insane Mafia,” this consisted of earning my keep, putting in work. In no way am I attempting to glorify my situation. My point is to be completely honest. Moving on, I ended up in the 1st Juvenile prison once it was built. I also was in “Patrick Henry Brady Boot Camp” in Custer, South Dakota, and living Center A & B. The state training school a couple more times. I added more and more charges to my juvenile record. consisting of “assault on staff, escape twice, and participated in the riot that eventually closed the Juvenile prison.
I turned 17 years old and (D.O.C.) was tired of me, and sent me to the Glory House in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I was only there 1 day and went on the run. I hung out with older gang members, enjoyed the praise from my own crew,(Insane). Got an old English “M” tattoo on my face, and a nine by my eye, a tear drop as well. I spent most my time consuming alcohol, weed and allot of meth, some cocaine. I was a dealer, addict, junky all wrapped up in one big dysfunctional mess. I treated my body as “no temple of God,” but as the “devils playground.” I wanted to die, to me life was pain, death was my release. To me, family and friends were over rated cause nobody really cares. This negative mentality and poor out look on life continued on for some years. One night out, I was drinking with my homeboys and some girls, the owner of the house started flipping out. I was pretty drunk and my homie was passed out in the corner. Everybody was exiting the house, I was trying to wake up my homie. The owner who was a girl was crying on the phone to someone. Se stopped crying and hung up the phone, noticed me and told me I didn’t have to leave.
She started hitting on me, telling me to stay. I just wanted to leave and honestly had no interest in being with her. Eventually her boyfriend and whomever else she had spoken to on the phone showed up. She then started crying again, and out of no where someone said are you trying to rape her. I said “Hell no”. I left my homie and that house. About 3 blocks away the police pulled me over and questioned me on the issue. I was honest and had nothing to hide, they took me back to the scene and I was identified as the one who just left. So I was hand cuffed and taken to Minnehaha County Jail in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Arrested and charged for rape. I was never convicted and was released 4 days later. But during my time in maximum security I reached out to God. I came to him with tears in my eyes, and a heart full of animosity. My prayer was simple but very sincere. I said, “God I did not do this crime. I respect and love women. It is not in my nature to do such a thin. I don’t know you very well, but I need you right now, so please help me out.”
The next day I was released, the charges were dropped. That was my 1st real, genuine connection with God. I called and he picked me up instantly and answered my request. During my short time in confinement, only one person came to visit me, my father Fred. Everyone else turned his or her back on me. Just assumed I was guilty. People, even family smiled in my face, but talked about e negatively behind my back. It was my 1st real wake up call pertaining to finding out that your real friends are.
I have nothing bad to say about those people who had no faith in me at the time. Mostly cause I didn’t do anything good. I never earned their respect or trust. I was a gangster, Mafia Man, nothing more. The education I was in possession of came from the hard knocks, not a classroom. My knowledge also about God the creator was vague. But I knew in my heart, I wanted to know more about God. So I started to pray more and attend church as well. One thing I always had access to was the gospel, plus my grandpas was a pastor. I was still riding the fence through, sinner & saint on the weekends.
I was attempting to balance the good and the bad in my life. Meaning I wanted to change, to be a better son, brother and friend. I truly wanted to know God. But I also wanted to stay loyal to my crew “Insane Mafia.” I felt I owed them especially considering its all I’ve ever known. From an early age, I was always considered an equal in this circle of brothers, 1st before last, last before 1st.
My struggle balancing the good and bad only got worse. It made me very depressed, so I turned to drugs. I started to shoot up meth, I would be up for , 2 or 3 weeks, my longest binge was 31 days. Before long was only bad company. I was just a guy with a “M” on his face. One night I sat by my lonesome in the basement of my house listening to Fleet Wood Mac over and over. I had a loaded pistol and was contemplating suicide. I asked God to give e a sign or a reason to live. He came to through again, my cell phone rang.
My family was inviting me to dinner. I was extremely sad and said, “I’m high on dope, are you sure you want me around.. I have been up for weeks?” They did not even give it a second thought, simply said” see you soon and hung up.” I did me another blast and decided to walk over to my grandma’s house. Half way there a cop car went by me and slowed down, before it could even turn around I went into a brick building. That building was church and come to find out it was Easter Sunday. I ended up staying for the entire service.
I sat in the last row in the corner of the church by myself. I had a black hoody on, all black dickies and a read bandanna one. Meth and needles in my pocket, spun. When the service came to a close, the pastor came to my seat and shook my hand. Told me it’s going to okay, then he sat next to me. People then began to line up and shake his hand and mine. I started to cry cause I found my reason to live. It found it amongst strangers in a church in Sioux Falls, S.D.
So I decided to make my departure from those I considered being brothers. Instead of getting through the point, I agreed to go out and have some drinks. I was nervous, but committed to change and to God the creator. Long story short, I passed out and some crimes were committed. The police and a detective were looking for me. A guy with a “M” on his face. There was a warrant out for my arrest. I eventually went to Minnehaha County jail, and was charged with intentional damage to property, 1st offense.
I complete my sentence of 8 years in 15 days, no parole. There’s so much more to my story, and someday through my actions the good will out weigh the bad. Today my mother has cancer and lives in Oklahoma City We converse and I no longer dwell in my despair. I have forgiven her. My father, Fred, continues to be my father today.. Spends most of his time selling native American craft items, and riding his Indian Motorcycle. Through all my trials and tribulations, I have found me an angel who has yet to grow into her wings, her is Brandy Lynn LaDeauz.
She’s my sunrise and my sunset, I love my wife and am thankful for her unconditional love and support. While in the penitentiary, I have received my diploma and received many certificates. I will soon be attending “Sinte Cleska University in Mission, South Dakota. My goal is to be the best Chemical Dependency Counselor. I want to assist troubled youth, and help families. I am a sinner and a saint. But no longer am I unfortunate or an outcast. I’m not Insane Mafia. I’m a Christian. My body is a temple of God, not the devil’s playground. I’m content inside these walls with being an individual
My advice to the many walks of life that encounter my story, don’t let your past dictate and determine who you are today. I look forward to the day I get to be a father. I will encourage and guide my children with love and compassion, and understanding.
I’m known as “M” face here inside the penitentiary, one day I only want to be known as Michael, or dad. Cause to try is the fail, to apply you must do. My future is bright and I am thankful and blessed to have my farmer buddy Rogness, Jimbo and Bobby Dep. I now know what it’s like to have brothers. Thank you to the entire P.P.R. family. God Bless!
Michael “M-Face” LaDeaux