Since the age of fourteen, I have been a sex addict. My addition started and ended with pornography. I had opportunities to have sex, those I always refused, not wanting to become my father. This led me to justify my pornography addiction, "At least I am not hurting anyone," I often told my self, "its ok it's only in my head." I"I would never act upon these fantasies." For eight years, whether I was in a relationship or not, my free time revolved around Pornography and fantasy.
I had conflicting feelings about Pornography on one hand I enjoyed it, the way it made me feel, always drifting and living in fantasy world. Whenever anything got tough Pornography was there to ease me. It brought me escape and joy, "It was my drug". Even though Pornography brought me pleasure, it brought me disgust in myself. After I entered a serious relationship, had kids, and got married, I was still trapped in my addition. No longer did it bring me much joy, but the need kept me addicted.
Pornography led to many fights, it led my wife to think she was not good enough. Ultimately, I allowed it to lead me to hurting my wife and my two children. At the age of thirty, after sixteen years of me choosing to led Pornography run My life, the storm finally hit and left nothing in its wake.
The months leading up to this disaster, I was finally noticing how out of control I was. By this time, it was too late, or so I told myself, I was scared to ask my wife or anyone else for help. I was arguing with myself and, unknown to me at the same time I was arguing with God.
"I'm not hurting anyone..Pornography keeps me from hurting the ones I love."
"You need help." I told myself
"Your wife loves you and will help you." God told me.
"No, I can't....No, I don't want too."
For months, this went on; finally, God said, " I want to save you from sin." I have given you e very change: however I see that the hold it has on you is to strong." So he allowed the storm to hit, I was arrested. I lost my family and losing them, I lost everything important to me. However, in jail God gave me friends, to help me and guide me. People who were facing the same thing as I was. Never once did God leave my side, slowly he led me to see through the pain. Through the guilt and remorse I felt. He showed me that this was more then Punishment.
What I did caused mt to lose my life. However, God took the opportunity to show me how I could save my soul.
If you are in prison, I hope this helps you to see that seeking help is the correct thing to do. There is help there, do not be afraid, like me because it can and will get worse if you do not.
Finally, if you are in prison know that it is not over, no matter your length of time, there is ways to better yourself if you try. You can be presented with better paths of life to take. You just have to be open to seeing them. "Just know it's never to late."
Written By: Christopher Hartford